Any couple comes to a moment when the period of romantic meetings ends, and there is a mutual desire to move to a new level – to live together. I must say that this decision scares many. After all, there are so many questions about how to build a joint life. There is only one key to solving this problem – open conversation. But where to start and what should you pay attention to?
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We have compiled a small list of topics that need discussion. If the number of questions seems to be large, then break your serious conversation into several small ones, there is nowhere to rush. And it won’t look like a disclaimer. It’s worth starting with the most essential topics, and some, insignificant ones, can be solved already when you move in.
Home improvement and responsibilities
What will be the distribution of responsibilities?
Aside from simple cleaning (which a third party or organization can handle), there are many other daily activities. Someone needs to wash and iron clothes, take out the trash, buy food, cook. First, discuss which of you will find it easier to do what. It may turn out that a man loves to cook, but washing the floors is not for him. If there are things that are unpleasant for both, then simply set a schedule for them and carry out them in turn.
What are your food preferences?
Cute vegan preferences can be a problem in family life. Are you ready to stick to one diet or will you prepare separate meals for each?
Who will shower first in the morning?
This simple question can be very principled and embarrassing for you. No one wants to feel dirty all day for lack of time. Most often we get up at the same time and the question: “Who is the first to go to the shower?”
What will be the situation in your apartment?
What works for one person may already be ineffective for two. You need to think about what kind of renovation you need, what kind of furniture you may need, and who will take care of the selection and decoration. It would be useful to indicate – will the spending be joint or individual?
What to do with collections?
The fact that one of you wants to have all your collections or collections of books with you can be confusing. We need to think in advance what to do with all these records, discs or other fan artifacts.
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How often will you spend your evenings separately?
Some couples cannot live without each other, while others, on the contrary, want more freedom. Does cohabitation with a loved one cancel the need for friendly meetings? Yes, and relatives from time to time need to visit, and someone has their own hobby clubs. It is necessary to think over this issue in advance and discuss the scope of freedom. A related question is, will you always have dinner together? For some, a family dinner is an important tradition and a guarantee of strong relationships, while others do not devote time to this at all.
Attitude towards privacy…
Anyone sometimes seeks solitude. We must agree that at such moments the partner will not bother you. Everyone should have the right to read a book while lying in a warm bath.
What will be your time together?
When people live separately, they easily find an excuse to be around: a picnic, going to the cinema or to a nightclub. But living together, it’s easy to find yourself in a situation where you don’t need to invent anything. As a result, the pastime can slide towards watching TV shows in a supine position. Without shared leisure, family life will slide into boredom.
We need to think over joint activities. This can be quiz hikes, jogging, master classes, a joint hobby. You need to try to find something interesting for both of you, and not just adjust to your partner. And this balance will only hold your relationship together.
Who will plan and organize friendly and family meetings?
One of you can plan the promised trip to friends in the evening, and the other – to gather on the same day to visit your parents. It is worth creating a common calendar, at least based on a solution from Google, and submitting such plans there.
Do you have a relationship development plan?
This issue will have to be discussed sooner or later. Someone is ready to marry within a couple of months after the start of life together, but for someone the term can stretch for years. Too frequent conversations on this topic press and can cause a quarrel, but why not at least roughly draw some timelines for yourself? Planning an engagement, a wedding, having a baby, or buying a home is scary, but you can sketch vaguely. And in this matter, it is important to be honest. If you are afraid of marriage, then you should openly tell your partner about it. It is likely that he is also afraid of such a prospect, and then it is worth postponing the moment of a specific conversation on this topic. When making an important decision, it’s worth knowing that both of you are ready for it.
The ritual of meetings and farewells
It may seem like an insignificant trifle, but this question is important. If someone wants to be greeted with a kiss, then the other avoids tenderness. The difference in desires can lead to dissatisfaction and misunderstanding. You are not kissed goodbye because you are not used to doing it, or is there some kind of resentment?
Today we are used to flaunting our personal lives on social media. But there is something that must remain within the family. It is worth discussing the scope of the public and what should not be told to the whole world.
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Payment of bills…
First, decide who will monitor the state of utility bills and pay them, who pays for renting an apartment and on whose shoulders the mortgage will fall.
How will joint purchases be carried out?
You need to decide for yourself whether you will simply fold each time for something or analyze the expenses based on the results of the month. Maybe it is worth starting a joint account? This option seems to be the most optimal – you don’t have to track each other’s spending or make refunds.
How much are you willing to spend on unnecessary things?
There are always expenses that can be called optional. This can be ordering food at home, dining in a cafe, going to a restaurant. And if for someone this question is a mere trifle, then his partner may consider such expenses unnecessary. We need to find a compromise and create a balance. For example, eat homemade food five days a week, and on weekends, indulge in cafes or ordering pizza.
Identify meaningful spending
Over time, you willy-nilly understand what expenses are significant for you: repairs, travel, furniture, gadgets, clothes. But it is better to discuss them all the same in advance so that there are no questions from your partner.
Discuss your financial balance
It can be very unpleasant news when your partner brings financial debts to the family. If you want to build a long-term relationship, then it is worthwhile to take stock of your assets, income and expenses in advance.
What are your spending goals?
One of you may be striving for something that requires a lot of money. It can be a trip, buying an apartment or a car, a huge TV. It is worth voicing these desires and correlating them in advance with the joint budget.
How are you going to achieve the stated goals?
Are you going to take out a loan for a house or a car, or will you save up? Support and motivate each other, and applications and services for financial accounting will help you with this.
How to deal with pressure from financial issues?
Most often, the incomes in a couple are unequal. But it is far from a fact that such a ratio will remain for life. After all, a partner may have a career, or he may choose a quieter and less profitable life. And after his birth, someone will have to sit with a child for a couple of years. It is important that everyone in the relationship feels comfortable and not sighing about injustice and their burden. And it’s a good idea to create a plan in case one of you loses his job or his income drops. Remember that poor money handling is not a sentence; this issue can and should be learned from more experienced people. Adopt good habits from them, they will help you get rid of bad ones.
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And other questions
There are a number of other questions worth asking each other, as sooner or later they will arise:
- How will you show your feelings for your partner?
- What will be your manifestations of anger or discontent?
- How do you prefer to spend your holidays?
- Are you ready to communicate with each other’s relatives, visit them?
- What is your attitude to religion?
- Do you want to have children?
- How do you want to educate your children?
- Are you ready to change your place of residence if your partner wants or has to do it?
- How do you see your career?
- All questions regarding sex life.
- How will you behave towards each other in the event of a breakup?
There seem to be many questions, but it is not at all necessary to get all the answers at once. Sometimes it is worth waiting for them to appear by themselves already in the course of life together. True, sometimes this can happen during a quarrel.
But remember that you can always improve your relationship by changing something in them: remove annoying things, change housing, find another job or hobby, devote more time to home and family, change your style of humor. It is important not to ask questions, but to hear the answers, understanding each other and wanting to work on the relationship for their prosperity.